Book I
1. I had many genuine and true friends, men who understood the laws of
friendship, and faithfully observed them; but out of this large number
there was one who excelled all the rest in his attachment to me, striving
to outstrip them as much as they themselves outstripped ordinary
acquaintance. He was one of those who were constantly at my side; for we
were engaged in the same studies, and employed the same teachers.
We had the same eagerness and zeal about the studies at which we worked,
and a passionate desire produced by the same circumstances was equally
strong in both of us. For not only when we were attending school, but
after we had left it, when it became necessary to consider what course of
life it would be best for us to adopt, we found ourselves to be of the
same mind.
2. And in addition to these, there were other things also which preserved
and maintained this concord unbroken and secure. For as regarded the
greatness of our fatherland neither had one cause to vaunt himself over
the other, nor was I burdened with riches, and he pinched by poverty, but
our means corresponded as closely as our tastes. Our families also were of
equal rank, and thus everything concurred with our disposition.
3. But when it became our duty to pursue the blessed life of monks, and
the true philosophy, our balance was no longer even, but his scale mounted
high, while I, still entangled in the lusts of this world, dragged mine
down and kept it low, weighting it with those fancies in which youths are
apt to indulge. For the future our friendship indeed remained as firm as
it was before, but our intercourse was interrupted; for it was impossible
for persons who were not interested about the same things to spend much
time together. But as soon as I also began to emerge a little from the
flood of worldliness, he received me with open arms; yet not even thus
could we maintain our former equality: for having got the start of me in
time, and having displayed great earnestness, he rose again above my
level, and soared to a great height.
4. Being a good man, however, and placing a high value on my friendship,
he separated himself from all the rest (of the brethren), and spent the
whole of his time with me, which he had desired to do before, but had been
prevented as I was saying by my frivolity. For it was impossible for a man
who attended the law-courts, and was in a flutter of excitement about the
pleasures of the stage, to be often in the company of one who was nailed
to his books, and never set foot in the market place. Consequently when
the hindrances were removed, and he had brought me into the same condition
of life as himself, he gave free vent to the desire with which he had long
been laboring. He could not bear leaving me even for a moment, and he
persistently urged that we should each of us abandon our own home and
share a common dwelling:.in fact he persuaded me, and the affair was taken
in hand.
5. But the continual lamentations of my mother hindered me from granting
him the favor, or rather from receiving this boon at his hands. For when
she perceived that I was meditating this step, she took me into her own
private chamber, and, sitting near me on the bed where she had given birth
to me, she shed torrents of tears, to which she added words yet more
pitiable than her weeping, in the following lamentable strain:
"My child, it was not the will of Heaven that I should long enjoy the
benefit of thy father.s virtue. For his death soon followed the pangs
which I endured at thy birth, leaving thee an orphan and me a widow before
my time to face all the horrors of widowhood, which only those who have
experienced them can fairly understand. For no words are adequate to
describe the tempest-tossed condition of a young woman who, having but
lately left her paternal home, and being inexperienced in business, is
suddenly racked by an overwhelming sorrow, and compelled to support a load
of care too great for her age and sex. For she has to correct the laziness
of servants, and to be on the watch for their rogueries, to repel the
designs of relations, to bear bravely the threats of those who collect the
public taxes, and harshness in the imposition of rates. And if the
departed one should have left a child, even if it be a girl, great anxiety
will be caused to the mother, although free from much expense and fear:
but a boy fills her with ten thousand alarms and many anxieties every day,
to say nothing of the great expense which one is compelled to incur if she
wishes to bring him up in a liberal way. None of these things, however,
induced me to enter into a second marriage, or introduce a second husband
into thy father.s house: but I held on as I was, in the midst of the storm
and uproar, and did not shun the iron furnace of widowhood. My foremost
help indeed was the grace from above; but it was no small consolation to
me under those terrible trials to look continually on thy face and to
preserve in thee a living image of him who had gone, an image indeed which
was a fairly exact likeness.
"On this account, even when thou wast an infant, and hadst not yet learned
to speak, a time when children are the greatest delight to their parents,
thou didst afford me much comfort. Nor indeed can you complain that,
although I bore my widowhood bravely, I diminished thy patrimony, which I
know has been the fate of many who have had the misfortune to be orphans.
For, besides keeping the whole of it intact, I spared no expense which was
needful to give you an honorable position, spending for this purpose some
of my own fortune, and of my marriage dowry. Yet do not think that I say
these things by way of reproaching you; only in return for all these
benefits I beg one favor: do not plunge me into a second widowhood; nor
revive the grief which is now laid to rest: wait for my death: it may be
in a little while I shall depart. The young indeed look forward to a
distant old age; but we who have grown old have nothing but death to wait
for. When, then, you shall have committed my body to the ground, and
mingled my bones with thy father.s, embark for a long voyage, and set sail
on any sea thou wilt: then there will be no one to hinder thee: but as
long as my life lasts, be content to live with me. Do not, I pray you,
oppose God in vain, involving me without cause, who have done you no
wrong, in these great calamities. For if you have any reason to complain
that I drag you into worldly cares, and force you to attend to business,
do not be restrained by any reverence for the laws of nature, for training
or custom, but fly from me as an enemy; but if, on the contrary, I do
everything to provide leisure for thy journey through this life, let this
bond at least if nothing else keep thee by me. For couldst thou say that
ten thousand loved thee, yet no one will afford thee the enjoyment of so
much liberty, seeing there is no one who is equally anxious for thy
welfare."
6. These words, and more, my mother spake to me, and I related them to
that noble youth. But he, so far from being disheartened by these
speeches, was the more urgent in making the same request as before. Now
while we were thus situated, he continually entreating, and I refusing my
assent, we were both of us disturbed by a report suddenly reaching us that
we were about to be advanced to the dignity of the episcopate. As soon as
I heard this rumor I was seized with alarm and perplexity: with alarm lest
I should be made captive against my will, and perplexity, inquiring as I
often did whence any such idea concerning us could have entered the minds
of these men; for looking to myself I found nothing worthy of such an
honor. But that noble youth having come to me privately, and having
conferred with me about these things as if with one who was ignorant of
the rumor, begged that we might in this instance also as formerly shape
our action and our counsels the same way: for he would readily follow me
whichever course I might pursue, whether I attempted flight or submitted
to be captured.
Perceiving then his eagerness, and considering that I should inflict a
loss upon the whole body of the Church if, owing to my own weakness, I
were to deprive the flock of Christ of a young man who was so good and so
well qualified for the supervision of large numbers, I abstained from
disclosing to him the purpose which I had formed, although I had never
before allowed any of my plans to be concealed from him. I now told him
that it would be best to postpone our decision concerning this matter to
another season, as it was not immediately pressing, and by so doing
persuaded him to dismiss it from his thoughts, and at the same time
encouraged him to hope that, if such a thing should ever happen to us, I
should be of the same mind with him. But after a short time, when one who
was to ordain us arrived, I kept myself concealed, but Basil, ignorant of
this, was taken away on another pretext, and made to take the yoke, hoping
from the promises which I had made to him that I should certainly follow,
or rather supposing that he was following me. For some of those who were
present, seeing that he resented being seized, deceived him by exclaiming
how strange it was that one who was generally reputed to be the more hot
tempered (meaning me), had yielded very mildly to the judgment of the
Fathers, whereas he, who was reckoned a much wiser and milder kind of man,
had shown himself hotheaded and conceited, being unruly, restive, and
contradictory.
Having yielded to these remonstrances, and afterwards having learned that
I had escaped capture, he came to me in deep dejection, sat down near me
and tried to speak, but was hindered by distress of mind and inability to
express in words the violence to which he had been subjected. No sooner
had he opened his mouth than he was prevented from utterance by grief
cutting short his words before they could pass his lips. Seeing, then, his
tearful and agitated condition, and knowing as I did the cause, I laughed
for joy, and, seizing his right hand, I forced a kiss on him, and praised
God that my plan had ended so successfully, as I had always prayed it
might. But when he saw that I was delighted and beaming with joy, and
understood that he had been deceived by me, he was yet more vexed and
distressed.